Feeling broken and lost

Feeling broken and lost is something I know all too well and something I honestly don’t talk about enough here on the blog. So, let’s have a chat about functional depression.

Now just to be transparent I was diagnosed with chronic depression, which is something I was diagnosed with when I was in my early twenties. Now I don’t know what changes in names of things have happened in the last 20years and I can’t find much information on this. Because of that I have to assume the name has changed and though I do see therapists from time to time, the name has never been updated to me.

However, I was recently on tiktok, I know but hear me out, I saw someone talking about how they couldn’t clean up their room as their depression had flared. I started thinking about my own depression and though it does flare from time to time, I’ve never had times like this. I’ve always just got on with things, and it’s not because I’m stronger or they are lazier as our ableist minds like to think.

No, I think it might be because my type of depression doesn’t work like that and I started thinking about my therapists over the years and realised something. They always give me tools to cope until the bout of flared depression eases, but they never explain how my type could be different to how we have been told depression works.

I was reading this article about functional depression and realised that sounded so similar to how I feel when my depression flares. I don’t totally dip, but I do find Id rather curl up and read than have a shower or record a YouTube video or even update this blog. I will also start just washing my face once a day, having less interest in the things I love and just feeling broken and lost.

Being able to function, to me means I can make my bed, get dressed, eat meals (though I have no appetite) and other daily things. People around me therefore are less likely to notice my dark thoughts because to them depression is just not wanting to do anything or being suicidal…. neither of which I am.

Is it time our society sees depression in a more individual way? Would that help more people realise they have it?

Because honestly, if I hadn’t been diagnosed with it at such a young age, I probably wouldn’t know I had depression. I’d just think I was tired and needed more coffee, or that the books I was reading were so good that was why I wasn’t getting showered and dressed.

I really hope that this made some sense, and that if you are feeling broken and lost, but still able to go to work and laugh with friends you will go see your doctor. The lockdowns and plague situation in the world has shaken us all up, so it’s ok if you are feeling different many of us are. You aren’t alone there are so many ways to find help so don’t lose hope.

Thank you xx