Frustrated with fatigue

I have not done a post like this for a while I don’t think, most of the time I try to use my life as a teaching moment here…but I’m just frustrated with fatigue!

Looking back, I think I always had some level of fatigue, as I always struggled with keeping up and getting everything done, I wanted, or needed to. But it was manageable, and I honestly thought I just had a level of lazy about me as this was what I was told all the time.

But as other Chronic Illnesses have joined the party, and I have grown older I have found myself with fewer and fewer usable hours in the day. This is frustrating on so many levels, I am a human I have things I want or need to do I don’t want to sit staring into space like a zombie!

However, most days this is how I spend my mornings, struggling to think straight and trying to get going so I can do things. I spend most of my time though just feeling frustrated with fatigue and wishing I was faking like society assumes, that way I could still get things done.

I have not dusted my home in months, just doing our living room would take me a couple of days! Plus, if I do that then I wouldn’t be able to do much else the rest of the day, but things like doing my YouTube channel, blogging here, looking after mom, eating and showering etc all still need to be done.

And yes, my YouTube channel and this blog are necessary to me because they help my mental health and give me a community to connect with. Most of the time I see nobody except my husband and mom as most of the time I do not leave the house.

Speaking of, I need to rest a lot on a Thursday because I go out to tabletop roleplaying which has helped me so, so much! I love seeing my friends, talking to people and laughing and just escaping the world!

But last week fatigue even ruined that! I had been fine, then out of nowhere that wall just hit, and I fell asleep! Right there at the table, I tried to carry on after I was woken, but I couldn’t think straight, and I even needed help walking to the car!

Pain is so different to fatigue for me, there are extra medications I can take to quieten that down and there are times when I can carry on. I think pain, and I speak only for me here, but its just always in the background, like my Tinnitus and because of that I find it easier to ignore.

On the other hand, fatigue seems to come out of nowhere, it affects every decision, every hobby and every time I leave the house. I cannot do anything without first thinking about when I will rest, or if I will have enough energy left to last me the rest of the week.

I am frustrated because it’s tiring always thinking about being tired and how that being tired will only get worse! This morning, after a really good night sleep, I woke feeling the same amount of tired as last night when I dragged myself to bed!

Today my husband/carer is out, so I must look after the dogs, make me and mom anything to eat or drink we want, get this blog post out and (hopefully) edit Friday’s YouTube video! Knowing all too well that I must be careful, so I have enough energy left for the next few days!

I have to push my body a little so I can do the things I want to do, but if I push too far, then I will go into a flare and need days in bed! Then I definitely will not get the things done I need to… hence my being frustrated with fatigue!

But I think the most frustrating part of living with fatigue, is that people don’t get it! They think I just need to nap to feel a bit better! But my body doesn’t work like that, sleeping does not give me energy back, I don’t wake up with full energy again!

It’s exhausting to constantly try to explain that I don’t recharge properly, my rechargeable battery is broken! Even my parents who have watched me get more and more sick, they don’t get it and so any hope that other people will has long been given up on!

I am sorry for this ranting, moaning post, I hate having a moan and usually try to give some tips and tricks to help others in the same situation as me. But today I need a moan, so I hope you will forgive me this week and accept that I am just really frustrated with fatigue!

Thank you xx

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